I didn't read

This morning on my train ride into work, I didn't read my book. Why, you might ask. Well I was partially consumed with both grief and guilt. You see yesterday I got an e-mail from my cousin in California. In the email she mentions hearing about Ma (my paternal grandmother), calling her brother over so that they could break the news to their mother together and lastly making travel arrangements to get here (DC).

Imagine, if you can, my shock and the gamut of emotions they I immediately began to feel. But I was at work, so I had to hold it together. I waited until I got home to start making the calls to get the complete information. I call my father's cell, no answer, I call the two houses and again no answer. So I call my youngest brother to ask him if he'd spoken with "Daddy" to which he replied not in a minute, and that my father was out of town. So he asks why and what was up, so I tells him I got an e-mail from our cousin and that it alluded to Ma passing on. I go on to say I wasn't sure if this was true but I was going to call our aunt to confirm.

So I calls my aunt and she gives me the update. My father and stepmother left a last week for a trip to Jamaica and sometime after my grandmother slipped into a comma. And she's currently on life support. The family is awaiting my father return before any steps can be taken. He has the power of attorney for my grandmother. My aunt was abit disturbed by this because she knows my grandmother's wish was not to be kept alive if on life support. She goes on to say that a an x-ray was taken of my grandmother's brain, and there was no activity.

I could have read my book, in fact I should have read my book on my train ride into work. I could have used the distraction. But you see the guilt I feel wouldn't allow me to use the distraction. The guilt from living in the same area as my grandmother all these years but rarely making a visit. The guilt of chasing my own life aspirations without keeping in touch with my grandmother. And I'll also admit that I feel guilty because I don't feel as if I deserve the right to shed tears or grieve for my grandmother because I didn't visit and keep in touch.

And as I sat on the train for the 35 minutes it takes to get me to work, I allowed the guilt to beat me up in order to justify the tears that have fallen and will continue to fall. And as I resume my day to day activities I'll slowly begin to grieve for my grandmother as she begins her transition.

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted
Matthew 5:4

Peace, Blessings and Laughs

No comments: